I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
