She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
