i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
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She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
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You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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