I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
