I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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