Porn is love you can see.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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