my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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