Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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