I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
