You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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