you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
