he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
