Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
