i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
