I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
