in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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