Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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