Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Randomize
