i just wanna soil my oats bro
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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