WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
