I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
