hotel room ftw
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
