Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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