Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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