Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
