for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
