i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
