i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Sober January is a disaster.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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