new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
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