He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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