took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I have tasted many bathrooms
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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