1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
