you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
