why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
