i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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