I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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