she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
