My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
