it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
