literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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