Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
