On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
