a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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