the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
