I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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