The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
