Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
