A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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