My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
How does one acquire holy water?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
