I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
