when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
