so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
