I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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