you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Dicks are not precious.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
