At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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