Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
