the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
