I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
