I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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