My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
