I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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